The adventures with Honey Eyes are always very lively, never a dull moment.
About ten days after pushing her away… I reach out to her again.
Yeah, I know, I’m a loser. The sex is too good with her, I really like her, in the end, I just have to accept the relationship for what it is: a convenient friends-with-benefits situation. And forget any ideas of falling in love.
My goal is to have an MLTR with a girl I have great sex with, who I like, without wanting to change her, without wanting her to fall for me, without wanting to be special. Take the best of what she can give me, make it work for me, and fit her into my new/old frame of multiple relationships.
I think she’s basically a sly one. A sly one that I really like on many levels.
We plan to meet on Wednesday. Tuesday night she texts me asking if we can meet earlier that day. She comes over.
“This time you won’t fool me,” I think, as I open the door for her.
We look at each other.
And I’m immediately fooled.
She tells me:
“I was really hurt by how you left me, I’m not just a sticker to be taken, traded, abandoned. I missed you, I talked about you to my friends, about how bad I felt when you pushed me away.”
I apologize for how I dismissed her, but I emphasize that sincerity and respect for my time are fundamental to me. I tell her she can do whatever she wants, within these two principles, that I’m okay with a more casual relationship, I just want to be able to trust her.
I insist:
“Did you want to sleep around? You could have done it without lying to me or leaving me waiting like a fool, wasting my time. You definitely had other relationships, you were definitely sleeping around, maybe your heart is even set on someone else.
You know what? Fine, but don’t lie to me. I’ll stop wanting something from you that you don’t want/can’t give me. I just want to hang out and have a good time. You don’t need to lie to me for me to keep seeing you.”
She insists, swears, and swears again that she wasn’t sleeping around, that she didn’t have other relationships, only once did she go with someone while we were seeing each other and she regretted it.
Me: “Amen, but… why do you keep telling me nonsense? Tell me things as they are, you have nothing to lose.”
She insists.
Alright, I tell her the past is the past, from now on let’s promise each other sincerity.
We promise sincerity with the ancient international ritual of… “pinky swear, make peace with the little angel.”
I look at her.
Pause.
Me: “Okay, since I promised you sincerity, I’ll do something that might make me lose you. I’ll tell you the truth: the last night, while you were sleeping, I looked at your phone. I know it’s bad, that it’s not done, but I didn’t trust you.”
She doesn’t bat an eye: “Yeah, I knew. Actually, if anything, you looked at the phone earlier, in the evening, while I was in the bathroom.”
“?? And how do you know?”
“I found it in a slightly different position and with a new chat not notified.”
“…”
“So that’s why you’re convinced I was sleeping around. I knew it, I told my friend you read my messages.
“…”
“Then in the evening, you asked me to charge the phone on your side. The next day some new chats didn’t have notifications. Also, in the morning I immediately understood from your attitude that you were going to dump me: you were cold, you tried to have sex with me in a ‘last time’ style, you couldn’t wait for me to leave. And above all, you asked me to send you the videos where I was giving you blowjobs… I knew you were going to dump me and I felt bad about it.”
“And I thought I was smart… oh well, I’m sorry anyway.”
“But no, if you needed it, amen. It just saddens me that you didn’t talk to me about it afterward. And I hope you didn’t read the conversation with my family, there are very personal things there that — if anything — it’s right for me to tell you. You didn’t read it, did you?”
“No, I only read the conversations with other men and with your friend. Actually, I took a picture of this thing here where you declare having multiple relationships with multiple people to this guy, I think a distant boyfriend.”
I show the screenshot
“He’s my best friend since we were kids. It’s true, at first, I had multiple relationships. But as soon as it got serious with you, I didn’t want to see the others anymore. I didn’t do anything else. Except once, with one guy, but I felt guilty. I don’t like it, I don’t want to live that life. I wanted to be with you.”
Well, maybe it’s all bullshit. Maybe she did the worst things. But since then and for all the time after, I feel something new in her.
She’s different from the girl I met 10 days ago.
She’s more into it. She’s more vulnerable. I feel like I’m very important to her.
I could even dare to use the word “in love.”
For the first time, regardless of the words, I feel like I can trust her.
We spend the whole night together. The next day I go to work, she stays at my place. She cleans the kitchen and tidies up. She goes home for a moment to change and is already back when I return from work.
She’s more affectionate than ever. She’s tender. She looks at me all the time, even secretly. She’s always attached to me. She hasn’t done a single thing wrong in two days.
I look at her and say:
“You know, for the first time I totally trust you. Do with me what you want. I know you can hurt me, but I don’t care. Lying to me and manipulating me would be a poor use of me, a waste. But it’s okay. I feel like I can trust you and I do. I have no more doubts.”
We’re good.
She knows I was supposed to see SweetBoobs over the weekend. She asks me several times to let her know what I intend to do.
I say: “But excuse me, do you want me not to see her?”
“No, do what you want. Actually, it’s good to see her, so you understand.”
“Yeah, so why do you keep asking me? Why is it important to you?”
“Blah blah blah, do what you want, blah blah, you need to understand, it’s right, blah blah, poor thing, you can’t cancel.”
“Enough talk, does it bother you that I see her?”
“No, not for now.”
“For now? Are you afraid that over the weekend, while I’m with her, you’ll feel bad?”
She looks at me with embarrassment and whispers “Yes.”
I insist.
She tells me she doesn’t know if she can let herself go with me, that everyone she’s trusted has disappointed/betrayed her, that I’m different from any man she’s been with, that she’s afraid of falling for me.
Me: “Do you really like me that much? I’ve always thought that a hottie like you, to be with me, must have a very specific reason behind it. But what do I have that’s different?”
“Besides the fact that I find you handsome, I love that you’re kind. How you treat me, how you look at me. You take care of me. From the very first moment, I realized you’re different. You’re tender. Even that time when your dick didn’t work… I liked it.”
“?!? But how?!”
“Yes, because it means that you, when you fuck me, you fuck me with feeling, you put your heart into it. It’s not a mechanical thing, there’s an incredible connection between us. What I have with you has never happened to me before. That’s why I let you come inside that time; I’ve only done it on one other occasion. I’m afraid that, having let myself go with you, you’ll wake up one morning, send me a voice message, and disappear like you did last time.”
“Honey Eyes, I can’t promise you now to spend my whole life with you. It depends on what we feel, how we behave, on many elements. But I promise you two things:
a. that I will always be honest and talk to you about my doubts before making decisions.
b. I will take care of you and try to make you feel good.
I’m canceling all my appointments with others, I’ll only see you.”
So, I canceled all the appointments with the other girls this week (I was supposed to see three, each more beautiful and interesting than the other, including a breathtaking blonde who held a grudge). I also cut off my other regular hangouts and even took some arancini to the face.
She: “I want you to see SweetBoobs, though.
I know it’s important for you.”
She even writes me a convoluted message that I struggle to understand:
Uhm, strange request.
SweetBoobs has been waiting to meet me for weeks, she’s sweet and cute, says she doesn’t want to see other men besides me, even though I can do what I want. She’s a concentrate of tenderness, sweetness, and love. In fact, it would weigh on me not to see her again.
“It doesn’t make sense to cut off everyone and see the only person really important besides you. Why are you asking me this?”
She clearly tells me she’s afraid that in 1 or 2 weeks I might change my mind, that I might realize I’ve made a mistake by depriving myself of these opportunities.
She prefers that I meet SweetBoobs to fully experience the emotions and understand what I feel. Because that way, in the future, I wouldn’t have doubts, second thoughts.
Because if she got attached, let herself go, and in 2 weeks I changed my mind… she’d be very hurt. She prefers not to have expectations rather than be disappointed. She’s always afraid I might push her away again, that I might change my mind.
She emphasizes that for me this exclusivity thing is new, who can say I won’t change my mind quickly?
In short, she doesn’t trust that she can trust me.
She appreciates this gesture but doesn’t really believe in it.
I smell something fishy. But she insists, insists to the point of exhaustion.
And I, the fool, replied.
“I already know that after meeting her I’ll confirm my decision to only see you. Anyway, okay, it’ll be useful for both of us, to be totally sure. I’ll see her over the weekend, since you’re not around.”
The weekend arrives and I meet SweetBoobs.
I thought I would think about Honey Eyes, that I wouldn’t be able to do anything.
But instead, I’m fine, very fine.
I really like SweetBoobs.
But I’m involved in this return of Honey Eyes. I’ve never seen her so into it, so tender, so vulnerable. She seemed in love.
I meet Honey Eyes again after a few days.
I hug her and say:
“I had a good time with SweetBoobs.
But I’m too into you.
As I already thought, I want you, I don’t want to see anyone else.
But I don’t want something halfway, with you I want a relationship. I want to go all in.”
I have hearts in my eyes, in the background I seem to hear the classic romantic comedy melody.
And here’s her response:
“Not me.”
I look at her puzzled.
“I can’t be with a man who, to decide to only see me, had to see someone else.”
“But you asked me to, to the point of exhaustion?!”
“Yeah, but you shouldn’t have accepted. The fact that you had to see someone else to be sure doesn’t make me feel at ease. Who’s to say you won’t change your mind in a few weeks?”
The atmosphere freezes.
“Damn, you set me up.
I trusted you and you fooled me.”
She denies wanting to fool me.
“Actually, you set yourself up. You were getting involved, this thing scared you and you found a way to downsize it. Tell me one thing, what did you feel this weekend? Were you jealous?”
“No, I wasn’t. In the end, I pushed you into this situation, I was sorry not to see you but I wasn’t jealous.”
“Yet last week you were super jealous. This means that the moment I fell into the trap, telling you I would see her, you downgraded our relationship. You lost interest.
I know I’m not perfect, okay, I messed up, I was stupid, but even in my mistakes I’m honest and I followed you.
I don’t want to settle with you. I’m not interested in a downgraded relationship. I want to rise. You can even move in with me if you want, but I don’t think I can handle a relationship ‘capped’ upwards for long.”
And since then she’s back to how she was before.
No more romantic interlude.
No more heart-eyed looks.
Just a friend to hook up with.
And here’s the dilemma: did I screw everything up?
Or was that week of strong interest just a random ripple in the flow of emotions? Maybe it was just the reaction of a beautiful and desired woman to being pushed away for being caught red-handed.
*** Well, luckily it went this way.
** Cover image copyright Gobi Grafik
